Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize