I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
