This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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