You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
