if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
