Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
