Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
