just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
