I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
