cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
