Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
