I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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