ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
