He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
