What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
