i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
