The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I woke up under a house in Key West
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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