Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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