Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
