How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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