apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
