woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize