I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
