walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
