He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
