There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
