Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
