Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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