I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he was CRYING into my vagina
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
