He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
