I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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