Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
