I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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