Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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