I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
