i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
