i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize