The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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