Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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