I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
There's always time for handjobs
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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