We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
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