dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
