Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
