Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
