if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
