He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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