im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
