I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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