the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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