I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I need moral support for this bender
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Randomize
