I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
