I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize