She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
