Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
