Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
