I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
sarcasm needs its own font
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
