went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
