i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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