If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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