Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
