I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
